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This article features advice from our team of trained and experienced experts at our service centers and Helpline. You can rely on their knowledge and expertise. Rest assured, we're here to support you every step of the way.
"When will I see them again?"
Telling a child about the death of a loved one is hard. It’s natural to want to comfort them and shelter them from bad news. But it’s important to be honest with children and allow them to grieve.
Use age-appropriate language and be as honest as you can. Take the child’s lead in what you say and how you say it – comfort them in the moment if needed and answer questions if they have them.
Guidance for supporting grieving children
- Don’t underestimate the child. Have an age-appropriate conversation and be as honest as you can be.
- Allow space for their feelings. Don’t shut them down if they want to talk about their person. You can encourage them to share memories if they want to talk. But don’t force it.
- They might have lots of questions. This is normal. Whenever possible, children must be given time for this.
- Funerals and memorial services can be important. It can be helpful to let older children make the decision about whether they want to attend the funeral or memorial service. It can be useful to frame the day as a celebration of the person’s life and an opportunity to share memories.
- School can help. If they’re at school, ask what support is available, such as counselling or talking therapy. It can be important for the child to talk to someone who is further removed from the loss.
- Check in. Grief is a lifelong process, so remember to check in on how the child’s feeling. They may have follow-up questions about the loved one, or questions about the funeral. The circumstances of the death can affect the response and timescales of grieving.
Children respond in many ways to death. There is no correct way to grieve. A range of reactions and emotions are common, but these are likely to settle overtime with support.
How to support children of different ages with death and loss?
Babies
Babies are also affected by bereavement. Even babies and young children who cannot understand the situation might appear distressed, notice a change in environment, or pick up on the emotions of others. Make sure to comfort them when distressed.
Children
Experiencing bereavement for the first time can be really confusing. Children sometimes believe they’re responsible. Let them know they are not to blame for the death.
Younger children may struggle to cope with strong emotions for extended periods of time or may jump in and out of their grief – this is called ‘puddle jumping.’ They may also feel overwhelmed or struggle to regulate their emotions.
Children should know that it’s ok to have several different feelings which can change over time.
Maintain normal routines so the child has stability from trusted adults when they’re grieving.
Young people
Young people may feel isolated or misunderstood as they process grief, leading to them becoming angry or withdrawn. Remember to check in, support them to express their feelings, and give them space to remember the person they’ve lost.
“I’m worried I’ll forget them”
It’s important for children to have someone with whom they can talk about the person and share their emotions. This can be a powerful way for them to process grief. One of the biggest worries for a child may be forgetting the person who has died.
How to help a child remember someone who’s died?
Memory Boxes
A memory box can help them remember the person who’s died. The child should decide what they want to put into the memory box. It can include photos or items that the deceased person owned, such as jewelry. Make sure each item has a memory or meaning to it, so that the child can look back and remember the person who has died.
Lots of families like to buy a special memory box, but any box with a lid can be used. The child can then decorate it as they wish.
There are many ways to use the memory box. They may want to share it with others or keep it as a personal item to use when they want to think about the person.
Supporting children during key family events
Key family events such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, birthdays, and anniversaries can trigger feelings of loss, anger, or jealousy towards others who are not experiencing grief.
Talk to nurseries and schools in advance to make sure they consider the events taking place in the educational setting. It can also be helpful to have a different focus for the day, such as a trip.
It’s important not to forget the person who died or ignore feelings the child may have. Give the child opportunities to talk about the person and their memories of them. It can also be helpful to ask the child if there’s something they want to do around anniversaries and key dates to remember their loved one. This may include visiting the grave, writing in a journal, or talking to a trusted adult. Continue traditions if that feels right or create new traditions.
If it’s too much for you to deal with because you’re grieving too, seek support from family members and see if someone else can help.
What helps children most when they’re grieving?
- Spend time together. This does not always have to focus on grieving.
- Encourage expression. Support them to safely express their feelings. This may include a journal, hobbies or art to channel their feelings, or counselling. Don’t ignore bad memories or feelings. Provide access to appropriate books, films, resources, and support.
- Talk openly. Talk and encourage them to express their feelings. Let the child know that the person who died has not been forgotten. However, a child should not be pressured to talk. Be led by the child with this conversation.
- Get backup. Ask their school about available support groups and have regular meetings to talk about how the child is doing or whether extra support is needed.
- Maintain routines. Maintaining routine gives them a secure environment to regulate their emotions and behaviour.
- Be their safe space. Provide a quiet, safe space if they feel overwhelmed. Arrange activities that build self-esteem and resilience. Allow space for all emotions.
How to make sure you’re taking care of yourself too?
You might feel like you need to hold it all together, but it’s ok to cry in front of the child. This lets them know they’re not alone. If you’re upset, let them know it’s not because of them – you can be upset together. Hold space for all feelings. Take the child’s lead, they might want to talk or just sit with you while listening to music the person who died liked.
Loss can be traumatic for children and the adults supporting them. Managing grief looks different for everyone. It’s important to take it day by day.
Although parents and carers may want to focus on the child, it’s important that you have support too. Reach out for help from family, friends, your employer, or support services.
